What and Why?
What is it that thinks these thoughts at this very moment? These echoes and intangible vibrations bouncing around somewhere in my head and between my eyes…
Is it merely my ego?
The ego that has crystallized into the shape and form it today displays to the surrounding world, or could it be something else. Perhaps something much more elegant and beautiful. Something that’s purpose is to play out it’s zinid(1) existence.
All my life’s experiences has taught me to think the latter and to merely regard the first as a distraction…
Why have I become the way I am today or rather why has my ego taken the form it now has?
Why am I the shy guy who sometimes finds it difficult maintaining eye contact with people he meets. Or the nervous kid who doubts himself a couple times too often when something out of the norm comes up. Or the man, who wishes no one any misfortune or hurt, but which ends up torturing his own soul when he struggles to align himself with himself.
How contradictory that sounds. To become yourself… What or who else could you possibly be, if not yourself?
This strange problem shows itself when we obtain the horrible practice of constantly probing ourselves from other people’s minds and lenses. Constantly imagining their thoughts and feelings of us. Forcing us to remain in a bewildered, strained and unfulfilled state of existence.
- “How should I act there and then”
- “How should I react to this and that.”
- “What kind of reaction would he/she prefer…”
- “What should I say in this moment and what should I say in that?”
Thinking of how other people feel and see the world is of course of great value to any true relationship. But when your identity is being hijacked by this ego-intruder, just because your creating this portrayal from what you think is eyes perceiving you from the outside. That is when and where this unnatural and unhealthy state of existence emerges and creates the quaking mess…
When the soul seeks acceptance, love and kindness, for some untold reason it creates an image that some part of us perceives it to be up to the task. Up to the task of correctly navigating the universe in which we find ourselves in..
It’s the creating of this nonsensical “mask” that has haunted me my adolescent and whole young adult life. I’m 21 years old now and already feel drained of my life’s energy.
But praise Odin and Thor, I feel like there’s a second wind coming. For I truthfully feel like “my ego” has caught a glimpse of what truly is myself.
I believe that with enough conscious exposure to life in its truest form has thankfully pushed me to the most natural realm of existence.. Music, poetry, love, education and philosophical inquiry has convinced me of what I fear, is already innate. I feel like the ego has been a curtain, which has been hanging over my screen. A damn stubborn curtain that refuses to let the story in the movie play out.
But somehow this has become lost… This innate sense of unity with all and everything. The gentle but yet profound connection with the miniscule atoms or with the grandest of stars has somewhere along the road, been disconnected. And without even knowing it, we are struggling in the dark to reconnect with it.
To name one of the many sad things I know, and believe me, they are many. Is the fact that, all the people I’ve met during my life have just been surviving. The art of living has not been achieved by anyone in my contact list. All are working out this mess on their own way. Everyone is taking it day by day without the slightest idea of how to correctly navigate through this hurricane of a life.
You get the sense that some people are more advanced and enlightened than others when your out there exploring..
The essence has showed itself. Just like a pearl in a shell sparkling with majestic beauty the magnificence of its existence.
I feel like the death of my ego is a day or two away from becoming my reality. It has been a powerful inhibitor of my natural instincts and feelings. It has kept myself awake to many lonely and dark nights and haunted my existence a bit too long. I feel like it’s an illusion that has met it’s dead-end and is about evaporate.
Here’s how I’m about to do it…
Perhaps our essence is like water. The essence awaits to flow where it can. That is ever playful and curious. Always seeking the thrill of novelty and which always is open to new landscapes which to flow upon.
Think of a cup… A cup that you then fill with water… The shape and form of the cup determines the subsequent form of the water that fulfils it.
Perhaps the ego is like the cup, which is waiting to get filled with your essence. The ego-cup, which slowly creates itself as you mature as a human being and as your brain, develops with the years. The ego-cup that also imprisons your true energy from the rest of the universe, and that, which inhibits the innate flowing of the stream, if you will…
The task I’ve set in front of me is not merely the leaking and seeping of the essence out of the cup. I want the ego-cup to be destroyed, which unleashes the flow of life and energy out into the cosmos, where it belongs. Unchained to stupid ghost shackles created by the brain.
The brain, which in fact, could work the most grand of marvels in nature, could also create the most irrational and hurtful things imaginable. It could be used for the best of things and the worst of things. That’s more or less the story of the history of man. Countless bloody and wretched wars.
Well wasn’t that just a nice piece of cake for our minds, lol. 😀